The fear of death is not the problem. The real problem is the unlived life. The moments swallowed by avoidance, the relationships held at arm’s length, the self not yet fully inhabited.
“You know you are going to die. Have you learned how to live?”
Death twitches my ear; ‘Live,’ he says… ‘I’m coming.’
What is death anxiety?
Death anxiety is the fear of non-existence, conscious or buried beneath other symptoms. It is less a fear of the process of dying than of no longer existing at all (Stolorow, 1973). It is not a rare or unusual fear: awareness of our own death is part of being human. The existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom described it as a fear that “rumbles continuously under the surface” (Yalom, 1980, p. 27).
People have always lived with it. The Greek philosopher Epicurus tried to reason it away. The Latin phrase memento mori, “remember that you must die”, echoes through centuries of art and religion, and Montaigne called one of his essays “That to philosophise is to learn to die” (Montaigne, 1580).
It is just as present in modern culture. In Liane Moriarty’s novel Here One Moment (2024), a stranger on a plane predicts when and how each passenger will die, and the story follows how differently they respond: with fear, panic, attempts to take control, a search for meaning, and acceptance. In Barbie, the heroine stops a dance party to ask, “Do you guys ever think about dying?” (Gerwig, 2023). Pixar’s Coco (2017) asks what it means to be remembered, and Soul (2020) what it means to truly live. On television, Six Feet Under (2001–2005) opened almost every episode with a death, and The Good Place (2016–2020) set a comedy about how to be a good person in the afterlife. Death cafés, where strangers meet over tea and cake to talk about death, have spread around the world since the first was held in London in 2011, and “Swedish death cleaning” (Magnusson, 2017) has brought planning for the end of life into everyday conversation.
Exploring death anxiety means it is named, examined, and slowly transformed. Confronting it might bring up questions like “Who am I now?”, “What remains?” and “What meaning do I want to give my life?”
The idea of death, the fear of it, haunts the human animal like nothing else.
How it can show up
Sometimes it is obvious: a direct fear of dying, or of not existing, that might arrive at night or out of nowhere. Often it is quieter, and shows itself in other ways. Researchers describe death anxiety as sitting underneath many common difficulties, including health anxiety, panic, anxiety and low mood (Iverach, Menzies & Menzies, 2014; Menzies et al., 2024). You might notice:
- worrying a lot about your health, or avoiding doctors and check-ups altogether
- panic, or a sense of dread you can’t quite name
- keeping constantly busy, or finding it hard to slow down
- avoiding funerals, hospitals or conversations about death
- a feeling that life is passing you by, or that you are not fully living it
Yalom (1980) described two common ways we try to keep the fear at bay: quietly believing that we are the exception, which can look like overwork or risk-taking, and hoping that someone or something will rescue us.
Death anxiety often comes to the surface at turning points: a bereavement, a diagnosis or health scare, a milestone birthday, becoming a parent, or events that shake the world around us. Many people felt it more strongly during the COVID-19 pandemic (Menzies & Menzies, 2020).
How each of us deals with our death anxiety is likely to be as varied and unique as our experience of being alive.
Why facing it can help
It can seem kinder to look away. But many thinkers suggest that facing our mortality is what wakes us up to life. The anthropologist Ernest Becker (1973) argued that we fear not only death, but truly living. Yalom (2008) compared looking at death to staring at the sun: painful, yet it can lead to a richer, more compassionate life. He also wrote about “rippling”, the way each of us influences others, often without knowing it, sometimes for generations. Viktor Frankl (1946), writing after surviving the concentration camps, showed that meaning can be found even in the hardest circumstances.
Bronnie Ware (2012), who cared for people at the end of their lives, found that the regret she heard most often was not having had the courage to live a life true to oneself, rather than the life others expected.
Research suggests that psychological support can reduce death anxiety (Menzies et al., 2018), and that accepting death, rather than denying it, can bring more meaning and less fear (Wong & Tomer, 2011). So the aim is not to avoid death anxiety, but to let it wake you up. As the poet Mary Oliver asked: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do / with your one wild and precious life?” (Oliver, 1990).
Each of us creates – often without our conscious intent or knowledge – concentric circles of influence that may affect others for years, even for generations.
How I work with death anxiety
Together, we make room to talk about death openly, at a pace that feels safe for you. I draw on existential psychotherapy, which takes life’s big questions seriously: death, freedom, isolation and meaning (Yalom, 1980).
I also work with the body, using present moment awareness. Death anxiety tends to pull us into the future, into “what if” and “not yet”. In our sessions, we slow down and gently notice what is happening in your body right now as feelings arise: a tightness in the chest, a change in your breathing, a heaviness, an urge to move or to pull away. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy uses this kind of mindful attention to the body to help us understand experiences that are hard to put into words, and to find what helps you feel steadier and more grounded (Ogden & Fisher, 2015). Mindful practices have also been found to ease the fear of death (Anālayo et al., 2022). Coming back to the present moment is, in a sense, the heart of this work: it is where we are still here, and still living.
Because our early relationships shape how safe the world feels, we may also explore how they colour your experience of loss and endings.
My research
Death anxiety was the subject of my MSc thesis in Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy at UCC (Turning Point Institute). It drew on existential philosophy, psychotherapy and a growing body of research from around the world. Interest in the subject is rising: more research papers on death anxiety were published in 2024 than in any year before. My research left me convinced that death anxiety touches all of our lives, and that it deserves to be talked about.
Practical planning, with a death doula
Sometimes peace of mind comes from practical steps as well as reflection. Putting your affairs in order, so the people you love are not left guessing, can be a relief in itself. This might include gathering important documents, making a will and an enduring power of attorney, recording your care wishes and an advance healthcare directive, and thinking about the kind of funeral or celebration you would like.
I work alongside a death doula who supports people with practical planning for the end of life. If you would like to be put in touch, just mention it when you make an enquiry.
Peace of mind for your loved ones. Clarity of heart for yourself.
A good, free place to start is the Irish Hospice Foundation’s Think Ahead planning pack, which helps you record your care wishes, name someone to speak for you about your healthcare, and keep track of important documents.
Getting in touch
If something here speaks to you, you are very welcome to get in touch. I’d be happy to give you a call to answer any questions or arrange an initial session, in person in Terenure or online.
If you are struggling right now, please don’t wait. You can call Samaritans free, any time, on 116 123, or call 112 or 999 in an emergency.
Still here. Still living. Still choices to make.
Sources and further reading
- Anālayo, B., Medvedev, O. N., Singh, N. N., & Dhaussy, M. R. (2022). Effects of mindful practices on terror of mortality: A randomized controlled trial. Mindfulness, 13(12).
- Ball, A. (Creator). (2001–2005). Six Feet Under [TV series]. HBO.
- Becker, E. (1973). The Denial of Death.
- Docter, P. (Director). (2020). Soul [film]. Pixar.
- Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning.
- Gerwig, G. (Director). (2023). Barbie [film].
- Iverach, L., Menzies, R. G., & Menzies, R. E. (2014). Death anxiety and its role in psychopathology: Reviewing the status of a transdiagnostic construct. Clinical Psychology Review, 34(7), 580–593.
- Magnusson, M. (2017). The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.
- Menzies, R. E., & Menzies, R. G. (2020). Death anxiety in the time of COVID-19: Theoretical explanations and clinical implications. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapist, 13, e19.
- Menzies, R. E., Zuccala, M., Sharpe, L., & Dar-Nimrod, I. (2018). The effects of psychosocial interventions on death anxiety: A meta-analysis and systematic review of randomised controlled trials. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 59, 64–73.
- Menzies, R. E., McMullen, K., Riotto, G. D., Iliescu, S., Petrovic, B., & Remfrey, M. (2024). From dread to disorder: A meta-analysis of the impact of death anxiety on mental illness symptoms. Clinical Psychology Review, 113, 102490.
- Montaigne, M. de (1580). That to philosophise is to learn to die. In Essays, Book 1.
- Moriarty, L. (2024). Here One Moment.
- Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment.
- Oliver, M. (1990). The Summer Day. In House of Light.
- Schur, M. (Creator). (2016–2020). The Good Place [TV series]. NBC.
- Spinelli, E. (2006). Tales of Un-knowing: Therapeutic Encounters from an Existential Perspective.
- Stolorow, R. D. (1973). Perspectives on death anxiety: A review. Psychiatric Quarterly, 47(4), 473–486.
- Unkrich, L. (Director). (2017). Coco [film]. Pixar.
- Ware, B. (2012). The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
- Wong, P. T. P., & Tomer, A. (2011). Beyond terror and denial: The positive psychology of death acceptance. Death Studies, 35(2), 99–106.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy.
- Yalom, I. D. (2008). Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death.